More Hair News: The Brewers’ Black Beauties

Speaking of haircuts, the Brewers’ J.J. Hardy and All-Star outfielder Corey Hart dyed their hair black together in an effort to break out of matching slumps. How cute. For Hardy, the move is largely nonsensical, considering his hair is already a dark brown-blackish. And for the naturally golden-blond Hart? It’s downright pathetic… and the mark of a true pansy. Unfortunately, for the sake of this post, it’s kind of working for Hart who has, since dying his hair on April 19th, raised his batting average from a meager .250 to a somewhat-more-respectable .278.

Here at The Wright Stache, we have but one question for the new Beautiful Boys of the Brewers: Are you guys joking? Major League Baseball players don’t cry. Major League Baseball players don’t polish their nails. And Major League Baseball players sure as hell don’t dye their hair black. Girls dye their hair black. Goth kids dye their hair black. Keith Hernandez dyes his hair black (but he gets millions to do so – so its OK).

Baseball is about playing tough – both physically and mentally. It’s about playing hard and battling through slumps, and not relying on gimmicks or trickery to be a better player. It’s about relentless passion and a drive to be better than your opponent, be it an opposing pitcher, or a batter trying to take you deep. And it’s about growing a damn mustache – the cornerstone of manliness and a true slice of Americana: just like apple pie, hot dogs, and Baseball itself.

J.J. and Corey: you’ve embarrassed your team and yourselves. Shave your heads immediately. That is all.

Buzzed Head ≠ Mustache

With his average plummeting to well below .300 and his strikeouts leading the known universe, David Wright took drastic measures to break out of his slump.  He knew that success is directly related to hair, so he decided to take immediate follicle action.  Sadly (for us), he was a little misguided in his quest to improve his performance.  Rather than beginning to grow a stache, David buzzed his head.

Now, I am a strong advocate of a buzzed head.  Sport it myself.  I make it look good.  But I’m not going 30/30 anytime soon.  And neither will David if he doesn’t start thinking about adding hair rather than removing it.

We appreciate his motives.  We respect his willingness to shake things up aesthetically to get out of these doldrums.  But, David, come on!  Naked lips don’t win championships!  It rhymes for a reason.

In other news, word from Will Leitch’s Twitter is that Rick Ankiel shaved his mustache.  Quitter.