Yesterday we reported on Clay Zavada’s glorious lip-sweater that should serve as an inspiration to a certain clean-shaven third baseman in Queens. Apparently ESPN took notice too, as they interviewed Friend O’ The Stache and Chairman of the American Mustache Institute Dr. Aaron Perlut about Zavada’s stache and the role of the cookie-duster in baseball, past and present. Dr. Perlut throws around some fantastic ’stache lingo (“flavor-saving instrument of justice” [!]) and even provides a statistical analysis of Rick Ankiel’s stache experiment of which The Wright Stache Statistics Department (TWSSD for short) highly approves. Watch the whole interview clip from ESPN below.
We here at the Wright Stache believe that while you should always accept the mustache when it calls upon you, a stache cannot be grown just for the sake of it.
Such was the sad case of Rick Ankiel’s newly erstwhile mustache. Like its bearer, Ankiel’s mustache looked hot from the start, but suddenly, inexplicably turned wild.
Services for the fallen barbs, which are now making their way through the St. Louis Metropolitan Wastewater System, were held last week at the American Mustache Institute.
The passing of Ankiel’s young cover did, however, provide one last parting gift, serving as the impetus for AMI bloggers to discover the word “labia sebucula.”
It’s Latin.
It means “lip sweater.”
And for bloggers staring down a 162-game season of writing about mustaches, every available synonym for “mustache” is pure gold.
Thus we bid adieu to the unfortunate Ankielstache. You couldn’t make it out of the 1st inning. But in your few furry days of existence, you certainly left us some wonderful memories.
Ed. Note: We at The Wright Stache were thrilled to hear that Rick Ankiel was not seriously injured after his collision with the wall last night. Neck/back injuries are no laughing matter. No word yet on whether a mustache would have provided some padding.
Failed pitcher, occasional slugger and current horrendous batter Rick Ankiel has himself a mustache. While watching the first game of the Mets-Cardinals series, I couldn’t help but notice that Dick Ankiel had something on his upper lip. I had a hard time making out what it was while he was striking out, but as he coasted into second base while Daniel Murphy missed his 75th cutoff man of the season I saw it bushy and clear.
As we’ve said before, a man does not choose his facial hair. His facial hair chooses him. Clearly, the mustache did not choose Rick Ankiel. A career .262 hitter entering the 2009 campaign, the former pitcher (if you can call what he did pitching) was hitting .190 entering last night’s action (he’s up to .227 now). If he was hoping that the mustache would be a slump-buster, he was sorely mistaken*.
When will people learn that the mustache is not some lucky charm like a rabbit’s foot or horseshoe. It’s not a matter of choice. It’s something deeper than that. Something existential. Something that Rick Ankiel doesn’t deserve.
* Last night’s hit barrage notwithstanding – his OBP is still only .306.
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Stats | Jose's Chin Pubes | 
May 27, 2009 4:10 pm | 
Comments (1) 
Such was the sad case
