Mets Wars: Episode IV

a long time ago, in a galaxy called Flushing…

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a
hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the
Empire’s ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station
with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Leia races home
aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her
people and restore freedom to the galaxy…

Read more »

The All-Stached Nine

MLB.com, as is its wont,* is allowing fans to vote on their All-Time Nine for each team.

Rules are you pick one season from each guy at each position, and then imagine they were all on the same Mets team at the same time having that season.

And then you imagine you had season tickets that year and got to watch ‘99 Rickey Henderson lead off followed by 2006 Reyes, and then 2007 Wright would hit a double to score two, and then 2000 Piazza would step up to the plate, and they had to pitch to him because ‘98 Olerud and ‘86 Keith Hernandez were due up, and 2000 Piazza would wink at you and you would know deep down that he loved y….. Read more »

Cause to Complain

It hurts.

Injuries are a part of the game.

But at some point, they become more than part of the game. A key injury at a key time can seem to make a big difference to a ballclub. Then again, over such a short sample, statisticians say that the difference in performance is negligible, and that since all teams eventually experience lost time to injuries, it all evens out.

But Mets fans know there is nothing “even” about this season. There is nothing fair.

So let’s prove it.

Let’s figure out the point at which statistics takes a hike, the point at which we can look at a sports team, any sports team, and say “this is just completely unfair — we have no idea how good that team might have been.”

Read more »

Meet the Hat!

So how has your Wright-less Mets baseball been?

…

That bad, huh?

Well, fortunately, you no longer have to wait to get your David Wright back! Thanks to modern technology, for a limited time only, you can have your very own All Star 3rd baseman back in the lineup of your choice. I’m talking the 21st century! I’m talking super space age technology! I’m talking about the Rawlings S100!

It’s a big honkin’ baseball helmet. And apparently, it’s going to save David’s season.

Teammates may laugh. But opponents won’t be laughing once they witness the might of Dark Helmet.

Of course, being an All Star and all, David gets his custom-made, with all sorts of extra winning features. Like a mustache. Herein, exclusive to our Wright Stache wreaders, is a sneak peak at the helmet David Wright will sport for the rest of the season.

Just one easy click-through away!

Read more »

Jon Stewart Sends Gift Basket to D-Wright

We’re fans of Jon Stewart here at The Wright Stache, so naturally we found amusing this Daily News bit (I found it on a subway seat, I swear, ok?) about Jon Stewart’s gift to our ailing David Wright:

Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show and an avid Mets fan, sent Wright deli-style cold cuts.Wright, who suffered a concussion on Saturday, has been bombarded with gifts of food. “I got a lot of matzo ball soup,” Wright said.

Nothing like a giant slab of roast beef plopped on the head to help a concussion. Get well soon, David.

That’s Gonna Leave a Mark

Fortunately, with David, the tongue sticking out is a good sign (Image courtesy of NY Daily News)

Able, you probably already know this, but your brother is a douchebag.

What happened? During last night’s 5-4 extra-inning fall to the Giants (not those Giants), San Fran starter Matt Cain beaned David Wright in the head with a 94-mph fastball. The helmet went flying off. David was on his back for over a minute. I said some choice words about Matt Cain. But nobody really thought he threw at David on purpose.

Is he all-Wright? Yes. David spent the night in the hospital with a concussion. Plus, there’s this good news from Francoeur (from AP reporter Howie Rumberg):

(after jump)

Read more »

If a Third Baseman Grows a Stache in Detroit…

Look closely and you can see the beginnings of an AL Pennant

We have news: an All-Star 3rd baseman has begun growing a mustache.

No, it is not David Wright. But it’s the next best thing…

Brandon Inge. Roar of the Tigers:

CONFIRMED: Brandon Inge is, in fact, growing a mustache. It is, in fact, terrible. Before today’s game he claimed that it was a Rally Mustache, an attempt to change the luck of the Tigers. Will it help his bat? Will it help the bats of other Cats? Brandon Inge does not know. He hopes it will help him, but if it helps someone else– if they manage to hit better “due to [his] ugliness,” as he said in the pregame interview– the Rally ’stache will have served its purpose.

Did I not tell you the Tigers and a Mets share a metaphysical link? I mean, the Tigers win in ‘68, the Mets win in ‘69. The Tigers win in ‘84, the Mets win in ‘86. And Howard Johnson was on both of those teams!

And now the Tigers head to Boston with a STACHE ON THEIR 3rd BASEMAN!

This is how it begins, folks. I will be at Fenway tonight. I will capture this Ingeian stache. I will show you non-believers how winning and mustaches on All-Star third basemen are connected. I WILL SHOW YOU ALL!!!

…Misopogon, running off into the abyss…and giggling.

Update: Back from Boston — it looks like he kept it. But the Tigers dropped two to the Red Sox. On the other hand, they’ve been battling, and gave themselves a chance to win two games they had no business winning. So I’d say the stache is working.

The seed has been planted, and there’s a chance the Tigers may stache up afterall. A whole team of mustaches? We will definitely be keeping an eye on this.

Shooting Down Our Stachey Shoots

Cut down before his prime

The injury train rolls on. The latest victim: Jonathon Niese.  Hamstring. Here’s the Mets’ 2009 season in a nutshell:

Promising young pitcher, promising young stache, HAMSTRING INJURY OUT FOR SEASON SURGERY ARRRGH!

Sorry for the caps.

It makes you wonder, if the Mets could have gone back and done it all over again, if a mustache would have helped? Maybe extra padding, I don’t know. I’m starting to think, though, that Big Pelf falling off the mound in the Citi Field opener wasn’t a good sign.

Brian Costa says this one hurts more. What exactly does “more” mean? Hasn’t the whole season been painful enough?

At least last night’s 9-0 drubbing of the Cardinals and their fake staches was cathartic.

The Wright Stache will be down at Coney Island on Saturday to root on the next crop (and to see if there’s anybody down there we can add to the thresher that is the Mets dugout this year). Other than that, I welcome you all to become Tigers fans for the rest of the season. You’ll like the Tigers — Detroit could surely use the help, they’re orange and blue, they play solid defense and have great young pitchers. And they’re footing the bill for Shef…..BREAKING NEWS SHEFFIELD  HAMSTRING INJURY OUT FOR WEEKS ARRRRRRGGGH!

Oh well. At least there’s one more reason (but you gotta jump).

Read more »

Wrightstache Exclusive Interview: Mario

Longtime Mets fans like Mario Mario of Brooklyn think the Mets just need a spark to get back in the hunt

With the Amazins in the tank and the Wrightstachians on the road, the Wright Stache has been quiet. Too quiet.

Well not that quiet. We’ve been at Citi Field, spreading the message, meeting fans of the stache, and getting their perspective on what’s wrong with the Mets this year (aside from, you know, the obvious listlessness, winlessness, healthlessness, and stachelessness).

Our thoughts on the subject have been shared ad infinitem, which is a fancy Latin way of saying “a whole bunch.” So we thought it was high time we got some input from the other fans out there — the hardworking Mets partisans who expect to come home from a long day of plumbing, or stomping on monster heads, and relax to a well-played game of baseball, preferably one in which the Mets whup the ever-livin’ koopa droppings out of the Phillies.

Herein follows a candid interview with one longtime Mets fan, Mario Mario, a plumber from Bensonhurst, and proud Mustached American. (Press ‘B’ to jump)

Read more »

Homerun Derby: Lo Duca-Stache

"This stache entitles me to have as many mistresses as I want, free of tabloid attention."

Today is the homerun derby, otherwise known as the kinda interesting event that happens the day before that collosal waste of time also known as the All-Star Game. When thinking of homerun derbies I’ll always think about our own D-Wright’s marvelous performance in the 2006 event, in which our hero put up a sparkling performance in Round 1 only to eventually be bested by 1 total homerun by Phillies slugger Ryan Howard. The pitcher tossing D-Wright those juicy, Italian meatballs? None other than Paul Lo Duca, a man whose fiery attitude and fiery mustache we know all too well.

Lo Duca, pictured at right in his much stachier Dodgers days, had one helluva stache — even when he shaved he had a sort of built in, 5 o’clock Guido shadow. I call BS on those who heralded Lo Duca’s arrival to the Mets as a “homecoming” — the guy only lived in Brooklyn from ages 0-2, for chrissakes — but the guy had heart and attitude, something the 2009 club sorely lacks. His fierce competitor’s spirit was no doubt due to his man-whiskers; perhaps David could learn a thing or two from the man who helped propel him to national glory on that fateful night in 2006!

Better When Unfettered

It's the 4th of July, yet still no stache, "why?"

It’s been a rough Independence for our as-yet-stacheless Wright, who went 0-11 against the Phillies over the weekend, as the NL East rivals’ pitchers “hampered,” and “hamstrung,” “put the clamps down on,” and essentially “tied up” our hero. He wasn’t flustered, it seems, so much as fettered.

tr.v. fet·tered, fet·ter·ing, fet·ters

2. To restrict the freedom of.

A bit ago I posted a link on this blog about NYC and the Yankees, who were in a bit of trouble over supposedly harassing fans who chose not to stand and sing “God Smite the Red Sox Bless America” in the 7th Inning.

That case has been settled, though only the city, and not the Yankees organization, was found liable. The problem was that nobody could prove the Yankees had a policy of intimidating and harassing non-conformists (and B&T’s — how they hate B&T’s) who skipped their redundant moment of patriotism. In fact, the biggest thing the Yankees were possibly guilty of, it seems, was “fettering:”

[F]ans may not always have felt completely unfettered. Ushers used handheld chains to block off some exits while it was played at the Yankees’ old stadium, although chief operating officer Lonn Trost has said they were instructed to let through spectators with emergencies.

I don’t see how such fettering can be considered acceptable. If fans are not feeling unfettered, then they are in fetters, and we were born into a country — a country we sing to at least once every baseball game — where being unfettered is a born-in right. It says right there in the Constitution, Article I Say So:

Don’t fetter.

(stay tuned, I’ll find a way to related this to D-Wright and his stache)¹

Read more »

David, Grow It.

With mustache, you're looking at the face of a future Hall of Famer.

After scoring a measly 1 run en route to a victory behind Big Pelf yesterday, the Mets appear likely to squander yet another one in agonizing fashion this afternoon in Pittsburgh. As I type this, F-Rod just blew a save and it’s tied 8-8 in the top of 10th.

David, come on dude. WTF??? Grow it already. You know you want to. You know you NEED to. Do it!

This team needs a little sass, and it needs you to grow a Mustache. Be that guy.

Happy 4th of July weekend, everyone.

[UPDATE: The Mets win! Thaaaaaaa Mets win! F U John Sterling.]

Weekend Whiskers from the Blogosphere

With Misopogal departing for Israel from JFK, the Misopogon took this opportunity to leave the Great Lakes State and  come see how things were stachin’ in the city. Meanwhile, the blogosphere blow’d up. This week in blogging, with bullets:

What do fashion bloggers wear on weekends? Wrightstache t-shirts!

• Sunday T-shirt spotting: the trendy Brooklynite at right knows clothes; by day she works for a fashion magazine, by night she’s the proprietress of The Haute Fuzz. And on Sundays, she can be seen strutting the balconies of the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, demonstrating this season’s classiest New York wear. The Fuzz also had a fashion tip for Wrightstache readers (lifted from Facebook):
  

  “too bad you don’t have giant stache stickers we can go stick on the back of everyone else’s shirts… that other ‘5′ looks so sad and naked”

  This is an idea not yet considered: if David were to wear a Wrightstache t-shirt, or even put a mustache over his number, would that have the same effect as real barbs over his lip? We’re guessing, no, but we’re willing to see it attempted.

Want more bloggy bullet goodness? You’ll have to give us a click-through first:

Read more »

Rollie Fingers Chats with The Wright Stache

Sponsored by Pinaud Mustache Wax

Legendary Hall of Fame relief pitcher Rollie Fingers recently came out with a new book entitled Rollie’s Follies: A Hall of Fame Revue of Lists and Lore, Stories and Stats from Baseball’s Most Famous Moustache. The book is, like the title says, a collection of some of Rollie’s favorite stories and statistics that he learned of or experienced during his famed 17 year career in baseball. Besides being one of the greatest relief pitchers to ever play the game, Rollie easily solidified himself as having one of the greatest, if not the greatest mustache in baseball history. He kindly spoke with The Wright Stache’s very own Teufel Stubble about the new book, baseball, and of course…mustaches. Check out the conversation below:

TWS: Maybe we’ll start out talking about the book a bit.  The book has a lot of anecdotes, the lighter side of baseball, players joking around and things like that.  Do you have one favorite story from the book?

RF: Probably the one about striking out Johnny Bench in the World Series on the fake pitchout.  Even today people come up to me and ask me “were you the guy pitching on the mound when Bench was hitting and you struck him out on the fake pitchout”.  That story is in the book.  Johnny and I are real good friends.  I never bring it up to him unless he brings it up first.
Read more »

David Wright’s Tongue…

…is always hanging out of his mouth. Why? We have no idea. But when we saw the recent shot of him licking a baseball bat in Newsday earlier this week, we had to bring it to our readers’ attention. Here are some choice shots of David licking his lips and other things. The bat pic is on the bottom:

That umpire is just as confused as we are.

David Wright's Saliva: The invisible Pine Tar.

Aussie Stache

Have you ever been in a pub in Goomeri, Queensland, Australia and found your future self?  Well, you can imagine my astonishment when, while proudly representing The Wright Stache at Joe’s Grand Hotel in this tiny town (population: 400), I met Doug.  Doug works the timber bridges, smokes a pipe and rocks a sweet chops and stache combo.  Doug is my hero.  And Doug may just be me in 2030.

I’m writing this from the Brisbine International Airport while waiting out a five hour fog delay, but I’ll be Stateside soon enough to get back to fightin’ the good stache fight in the home of the Amazins.

And since we want you all to buy Wright Stache t-shirts and share your photos with us, check out my contribution after the jump.

Read more »

Star Trek star Chris Pine looks kinda like David Wright

That is all.

-JCP

Skipper Staches

Frank Selee's mustache was the first to suggest putting Tinkers, Evers, and Chance in the same infield

TheWrightStache.com has already established the link between mustaches and leadership. But while every manager instinctively understands how motivational posters a lip sweater can contribute to productivity, it’s hard to quantify that.

Well, fortunately for us, in baseball you can quantify everything, including mustached leadership.

Unlike a mustache on David Wright, There is no promise of championships for any manager who grows a mustache. As managerial great Sparky Anderson once said (to paraphrase) “Mangers don’t win or lose ballgames. Ballgames are decided in three places: on the field, at the plate, and above David Wright’s lip.”

Can greater facial growth on MLB’s current managers contribute to leadership skills, or will the burden of proper grooming prove too much for the mustached few? Find out, after the call to the bullpen…

Read more »

Would Ramon Castro Be Able to Out-run a Zamboni?

Welcome to New York. Now grow a stache, kid.

That’s the question that The Matts of MeetTheMatts.com asked about the now former Met catcher, aka “The Hippo,” in their hilarious recent interview with another departed Met, Duaner Sanchez. Ramon, it’s been a swell four years and you’ve done as proud, but it’s hard to argue with the way Omir “Stache” Santos has been performing in the bigs this year. We’ll miss you, Hippo.

In other news, the Mets lost Carlos Beltran and John Maine to a mysterious “stomach bug” this weekend, but not before the latter pitched 6 stellar innings to win the rubber match of the Mets 3-game stand against the Fish. Angel Pagan had no such luck and was removed with a tweaked groin after chasing down a hit in the outfield. Dude’s a gamer, but he’s just got some serious bad luck with injuries… we should start calling him “Moises.”

We’d like to extend a warm Wright Stache welcome to Lance Broadway, the minor league pitcher we acquired in from the White Sox in the Ramon Castro trade. Broadway has been assigned to AAA Buffalo and inserted into the starting rotation. We think that pale, white, clean-shaven face would look mighty fine with a stache. Don’t you?

Stache Products: Buy These Now

We love it when our readers send us tips regarding new mustache-related products (keep them coming!). Here are a few of our recent favorites:

Mustache Pint
If you already have a stache, the white mustache etched into these glasses will look fantastic stacked on top of yours. If you don’t have one (because you can’t grow one – like me), these will create the illusion of having one, if only for a brief moment while the glass is tilted at the perfect angle as you gulp. We’re going to buy like 100 of these and open a Wright Stache bar outside of Citi Field. Seriously. Thanks to good friend o’ the stache Marc S. for the tip.

12-Pack of Fake Mustaches
We’re broke (won’t you buy a t-shirt, please?). So when we learned that there was a 12 pack of fake mustaches going for $2.61 on these here Interwebs, we snatched up as many packs as we could. We then marched down to the SNY Studios building on 6th Avenue and demanded that random passers-by sport the staches on our lunch break. You should do the same. Thanks to both Bill F. and Nick K. for the tip.

Beard Head
These aren’t exactly in season, but they are awesome. I own four of them. The mustache is actually removable (it attaches with velcro)! If you’re hitting the slopes anytime soon, you best be rockin’ a Beard Head. You should also email them and demand that they make a blue/orange combo hat. Thanks to the Beard Head owner Dave S. for the heads up.