Wrightstache Exclusive Interview: Mario
by Misopogon | July 30th, 2009
Longtime Mets fans like Mario Mario of Brooklyn think the Mets just need a spark to get back in the hunt
With the Amazins in the tank and the Wrightstachians on the road, the Wright Stache has been quiet. Too quiet.
Well not that quiet. We’ve been at Citi Field, spreading the message, meeting fans of the stache, and getting their perspective on what’s wrong with the Mets this year (aside from, you know, the obvious listlessness, winlessness, healthlessness, and stachelessness).
Our thoughts on the subject have been shared ad infinitem, which is a fancy Latin way of saying “a whole bunch.” So we thought it was high time we got some input from the other fans out there — the hardworking Mets partisans who expect to come home from a long day of plumbing, or stomping on monster heads, and relax to a well-played game of baseball, preferably one in which the Mets whup the ever-livin’ koopa droppings out of the Phillies.
Herein follows a candid interview with one longtime Mets fan, Mario Mario, a plumber from Bensonhurst, and proud Mustached American. (Press ‘B’ to jump)
Wrightstache: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us, Mario. We’re big fans.
Mario: No, thank you. I’m a fan too — been reading your site since you made Ankiel’s stache fly off his nose. That was cool.
Wrightstache: So we couldn’t help but notice that you’re rocking a killer mustache — how long have you had that?
Mario credits his stache for his life's success
Mario: Oh, a long, long time. My brother Luigi and Uncle Wario have them too. It’s kind of a family trademark.
Wrightstache: Any particular reason your family grows ‘em?
Mario: I think it started back when we were called on to battle this big ape named Donkey Kong — my father rendered me with a mustache ’cause he didn’t want to see my mouth.
Wrightstache: Your mouth? What does that have to do with fighting monkeys?
Mario: Well, first of all, he’s an ape, not a monkey — DK’s touchy about that. As for the mouth, I think dad was concerned because I was a little tongue-happy in my youth. I used to stick my tongue out all the time, licking my lips, trying to touch my nose — that kind of thing — and one day Dad stuck a mustache on me and I realized that’s probably what I was missing all along.
Mario had many pre-stache adventures, but he wasn't a champion until his upper lip reached the sweater stage
Wrightstache: Do you see any parallels between your active tongue and David Wright’s?
Mario: Oh, definitely. Peach — that’s my wife, Princess Peach — she always says the same thing when we watch Mets games — she sees David with his tongue out all the time and is always like “see Mario? That guy has his tongue flying out of his mouth even more than that freaky dinosaur you’re always hanging out with. He’s like you! He just needs a mustache!”
Wrightstache: How did you and your wife meet?
Mario: Oh, it was a weird story. She kept getting abducted, first by DK and then by this dude named Bowser who looked like a bad Single-A mascot. And I kept running into castles trying to save her, but then these little dudes who look like mushrooms kept being all like ‘Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle,’ or some such. Finally, I guess she realized that if a fella — even a dumb mug like me — fella’s gonna jump over lava and stuff for her, he’s probably a keeper.
Wrightstache: That’s beautiful. Has married life been hard?
Mario: Not really. She got really pissed one time when she hung some artwork in our house and I tried to jump through it, but other than that we’re a happy couple. She’s ‘high maintenance’ but she puts up with my star collecting and weird racoon suits and stuff so it’s all good.
"Most people always assumed the 'M' on my hat was for 'Mario' -- what kind of jerk wears his name on his hat? It's a 'M'ets hat, people!" -- Mario Mario
Wrightstache: So how did you become a Mets fan?
Mario: Well, as a kid I grew up in Brooklyn back in the ’50s, so I was — we all were huge Dodgers fans. When they left it destroyed us — my brother especially; Luigi’s still kind of messed up because of it. I couldn’t root for a team in L.A., but I couldn’t imagine rooting for the Yankees either — I mean, we’re from Brooklyn! Basically, I climbed into a pipe world for most of my adult life, and didn’t come back until ‘81. I jumped on the ‘86 bandwagon, and I’ve been a huge Mets fan ever since.
Wrightstache: You mean you missed ‘69?
Mario: Those were crazy times — we thought we were saving the world, that if we jumped around enough and made enough noise that we could really change things. But it turned out, we were really just eating mushrooms and flowers and living in a fantasy world.
Wrightstache: So, do you have any advice for David and the Mets going forward?
Mario: Absolutely — fellas, this is New York; you’ve only got so many lives left. You’re not-a gonna beat the game without precision, timing, and balance. Personally, I think this site’s been too lenient on you guys, trying to get just one of you to grow a mustache. You all should grow mustaches!
Can you grow a racoon tail and fly just by eating a leaf? No? Then shaddup and listen to someone who can.
This is a tough game, and you’re not gonna beat it if you don’t use every power-up available to you. Each game is a new life, a new chance to move toward sweet, sweet, victory. Don’t just tap the bases — work those bases — hit ‘em so hard the mushrooms pop out! When you’re at the plate, think of every pitch as a coin; sure, you can skip a few and beat the board, and you can’t get every one, but every 1-up counts, and there’s another life in every 100 pitches you fight for. And hustle — the best way to play the game, my good Mets, is to keep your thumb firmly mashed on the DASH button every second! That’s how you’ll end up a champion, like me, Mario!
Wrightstache: Thank you, Mario. You are an inspiration to us all!
Tags: david wright, Hustle, Mario
Updates | Misopogon | 
July 30, 2009
By Sean, July 31, 2009 @ 1:51 am
Just saw where Wright is one of the Mets letting their beards grow until the team reaches .500. Wouldn’t be sweet if that took a couple of weeks and then he shaved the beard into a nice, big stache?
[Reply]
By Misopogon:
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 am
YES
[Reply]