Better When Unfettered
by Misopogon | July 7th, 2009
It's the 4th of July, yet still no stache, "why?"
It’s been a rough Independence for our as-yet-stacheless Wright, who went 0-11 against the Phillies over the weekend, as the NL East rivals’ pitchers “hampered,” and “hamstrung,” “put the clamps down on,” and essentially “tied up” our hero. He wasn’t flustered, it seems, so much as fettered.
tr.v. fet·tered, fet·ter·ing, fet·ters
2. To restrict the freedom of.
A bit ago I posted a link on this blog about NYC and the Yankees, who were in a bit of trouble over supposedly harassing fans who chose not to stand and sing “God Smite the Red Sox Bless America” in the 7th Inning.
That case has been settled, though only the city, and not the Yankees organization, was found liable. The problem was that nobody could prove the Yankees had a policy of intimidating and harassing non-conformists (and B&T’s — how they hate B&T’s) who skipped their redundant moment of patriotism. In fact, the biggest thing the Yankees were possibly guilty of, it seems, was “fettering:”
[F]ans may not always have felt completely unfettered. Ushers used handheld chains to block off some exits while it was played at the Yankees’ old stadium, although chief operating officer Lonn Trost has said they were instructed to let through spectators with emergencies.
I don’t see how such fettering can be considered acceptable. If fans are not feeling unfettered, then they are in fetters, and we were born into a country — a country we sing to at least once every baseball game — where being unfettered is a born-in right. It says right there in the Constitution, Article I Say So:
Don’t fetter.
(stay tuned, I’ll find a way to related this to D-Wright and his stache)1
The reason we are a non-fettering nation is that our forefathers discovered that a mankind is more productive unfettered.2 Don’t believe me? Here’s a flow chart:
I’m guessing that the overwhelming bulk of you ended up not being productive. Because you were wearing pants!
Unfortunately, I doubt New York City (let alone Cincinnati) would be cool with David Wright playing the game without his trousers (sorry ladies). So I guess another badge of liberty must do in its stead. Let’s see…what can a man do to show that he is free, that he is unbound by rules and other peoples’ opinions, and curveballs…that is he is unfettered?
What site are you reading anyhow?
Actually, mustaches and freedom have been linked since time immemorial. Here’s the link.
Our course of action is clear, gentlemen. We must rise up, grow a mustache on David Wright, and break forsooth from these tyrannical shackles of slumpery and Phileage!
Happy Independence Day.
1. Close enough.
2. This would make an awesome Seinfeld episode. Like if Elaine is dating a prolific author whose secret to pumping out a bestseller a year is working “unfettered,” and Kramer picks up on this and stops wearing pants, and this is tough for Jerry who’s dating a prudish woman who keeps running into Jerry’s circle while they’re “unfettered,” and George is like crazy busy at work (while he’s working for the Yankees) at the trade deadline and late one night with only hours to finish a mountain of work he drops trou, gets done, and passes out, only to be found at his desk unfettered the next morning, at which point we find out the Yanks are making a million deadline trades because Steinbrenner has, too, been working “unfettered” and he’s wearing boxers with hearts.3
3. Jose’s Chin Pubes and I actually came up with this idea two years ago, but it’s so cool I wanted to share it.
Updates | Misopogon | 
July 7, 2009
By Jose's Chin Pubes, July 7, 2009 @ 6:51 pm
+1!
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