Skipper Staches

Frank Selee's mustache was the first to suggest putting Tinkers, Evers, and Chance in the same infield

TheWrightStache.com has already established the link between mustaches and leadership. But while every manager instinctively understands how motivational posters a lip sweater can contribute to productivity, it’s hard to quantify that.

Well, fortunately for us, in baseball you can quantify everything, including mustached leadership.

Unlike a mustache on David Wright, There is no promise of championships for any manager who grows a mustache. As managerial great Sparky Anderson once said (to paraphrase) “Mangers don’t win or lose ballgames. Ballgames are decided in three places: on the field, at the plate, and above David Wright’s lip.”

Can greater facial growth on MLB’s current managers contribute to leadership skills, or will the burden of proper grooming prove too much for the mustached few? Find out, after the call to the bullpen…

2008 was a tough year for mustached management. For the first time since the Malboro Man came home to Detroit, Jim Leyland’s Tigers fell below the .500 mark. Willie Randolph’s slim stache couldn’t stem the bleeding of 2007’s carryover, and Willie was flushed out of Flushing in mid-June.

But each new spring brings a new season, and so far, 2009 looks like a banner year for cookie-dusting coaching. Here’s the year in facial hair so far (as of June 3, 2009):

As you can see, those with facial fur have a much higher winning percentage in 2009 than those without . Goateed and stached skippers are on a combined pace for 84 wins out of a 162, while the clean-cut fellas can’t break .500.

So clearly it’s better to grow some form of facial hair. But what’s the best?

With a stache as sweet as Josh Hamilton's swing, Ron Washington has the Rangers sittin pretty atop the AL West

The goateed managers of the Major Leagues are currently a combined 129-128, for a .502 winning percentage. That’s .500 ball, a noticeable improvement over the non-stached mark. However, a closer look reveals the goatee is all about lost potential. With the best pitcher in baseball and a bevy of 1-5 overall draft picks, you’d expect Trey Hillman’s Royals to perform better than their 23-28 record. Ozzie Guillen’s White Sox, too, have fallen hard from the bar set by last year’s AL Central champions, and Ron Gardenhire’s chompy Twins don’t have the same bite we’d expect from Mauer, Liriano and Morneau. Dusty Baker’s Cubs were supposed to be runaway favorites in the NL Central, but their respectable 27-24 is hardly worthy of that talent-laden roster. And of course there’s Jerry Manuel, who leads the goateed crowd with a 28-23 record — but raise your hand if you don’t think the Mets could be doing better.

In the hyperspeed world of the AL East, Cito's stache and the Blue Jays have gone to plaid

While good for first among the goatees, Manuel’s Mets would be second-to-last when put against the managers with a mustache. Among facial-haired managers, the top three records all belong to the mustached few. Ron Washington’s Rangers are pulling away from their AL West rivals. Jim Leyland has the Tigers high atop the AL Central. Cito Gaston has staked the Blue Jays to a 30-24 record, keeping pace with the mega-million mashers of Beantown and the Bronx. Only Cecil Cooper, tasked with running the “Active Adult” Astros, isn’t winning his division. Coop has coaxed just 22 wins out of his geriatric squad — is something amiss?

All told, the Mustached Managers are 110-95, good for a .537 record. That translates into 87 wins over a season, i.e., a playoff run. The statistics don’t lie: 2009 is the year of the mustache!

When Leyland's stache arrived in Detroit, the Motor City Kitties leapt from 10-year bottom-dweller to capture the AL Pennant.

What’s most notable is that none of these teams were expected to be very competitive this year. The Tigers were more focused on dropping salary than winning their division this past winter — after a sub-.500 season nonetheless — yet they’re pacing the AL Central. In the AL West, where the clean-cut Mike Scioscia was supposed to have the division crown locked up on Opening Day, the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim (we’re from Los Angeles!) are now 4.5 games behind Ronnie Washington and his RBI machine.

The soul patch could explain why Cecil's staphes have failed to stem the toll of time on the 'stros senior citizens.

Just this glance at the differences between stached managers and those without demonstrates a clear-cut statistical “Mustache Effect.” Ultimately, a manager has to have some talent on the roster, but a stache on your skipper is the key to squeezing the most wins out of what you’ve got.

But more importantly for the Mets, growing a stache and attaching a goatee is just wasted potential. A goatee can still be the difference between a .500 club and a losing season, but a mustache forced to hold up some chin action will be thus hampered from properly doing its thing. The corners should be free to hang or curl as they please for the mustache magic to really work.

Jerry Inspiration could lose the NL East crown by the hairs on his chinny chin chin.

This is important advice for Jerry Manuel, who typically switches off between a straight-up chin bush and adding a light lip-strap to his goatee.

While it wouldn’t have the same effect as, say, his superstar third baseman growing a mustache, as the great Davey Johnson taught us, the difference between a championship team and one that only came close is going that extra inch — and wouldn’t you know it, one inch is exactly the length of a solid managerial mustache.

4 Comments

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  By Kevin, June 3, 2009 @ 1:33 pm

  Doesn’t Fredi Gonzalez have facial hair? Maybe I haven’t seen his face in a while.

  [Reply]

  

  By Misopogon:
  June 4th, 2009 at 11:58 am

  Good catch, Kevin!

  Fredi shaved at the beginning of the season, I believe (I last remember seeing him during Spring Training) but as of late May of this year, at least, his goatee is back.

  http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/columnists/sfl-marlins-fredi-newhyde060109sbjun01,0,3801265.column

  Any Fish fans out there wanna give us the lowdown? What did he have during the 11-1 start?

  [Reply]

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  By alexis, January 21, 2011 @ 12:56 pm

  cool!!

  [Reply]

1. Mustache March: Bringing Dignity to the Disgraced « The Luke 9:23 Project — February 25, 2011 @ 1:15 pm

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