Wright Wreasons: Movie Mustaches

Yes, its true: movies teach us everything we need to know about life. From how to party in college, to what to do if we’re ever involved in a bank robbery, to why we should start smoking cigarettes immediately. They also teach us that mustaches are cool. Other than baseball, nothing has showcased mustaches better than the Movies. Sure, everyone knows that staches are equal parts charisma, sophistication, confidence, brawn, and intelligence all rolled into one neat little furry package. But the movies make them magical. So when David finally accepts his fate and decides to grow, here are the top 5 Movie Mustaches he can look towards for some inspiration:

5. Llewelyn Moss (played by Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men)
In No Country For Old Men, Josh Brolin gave us a real-life Marlboro man. He was a true mustachioed, cigarette smoking cowboy that didn’t mind getting his hands dirty with whatever the job called for; be it motor oil (he was a mechanic), cow dung (I’m sure he wrangled cows at some point in his short life), or Mexican gangster blood. And when the going got tough, he wasn’t afraid to step up to the challenge and cap a few “sumbitches” or even a pitbull that was just about ready to tear into his jugular. In fact, Josh’s mustache was so effective, that it actually got cast in two other movies that year: American Gangster and In the Valley of Elah. So David, if you’re looking for brawn, then look no further than Josh Brolin.

4. The Stranger (played by Sam Elliott in The Big Lebowski)
If it’s wisdom that young David seeks, it shall be sought in the Coen Brothers classic, The Big Lebowski. And the bearer of such wisdom is none other than Sam Elliott’s character, The Stranger. When The Dude’s life was spinning rapidly out of the control, The Stranger was magically there to provide inspiration and insight that the deadbeat Jeff Lebowski needed to see the forest through the trees. His thick gray whiskers spoke volumes of truth and helped keep his upper lip dry of the smooth Sasparilla he loved to drink so dearly. And he hated cussing – so if David wishes to uphold his well-mannered nature that he has become adored for, The Stranger’s stache might not be a bad one to mimic.

3. Vito Corleone (played by Marlon Brando in The Godfather)
Vito Corleone ruled New York in the early 20th century. No one commanded more respect or instilled more fear in his foes than the leader of the most powerful mafia family of his time. He ruled gracefully, with one hand on his cat, and the other on his whiskers, while effortlessly raking in millions from crime and his family’s Olive Oil business – the largest in the nation. One of the most memorable characters in the history of film, Vito Corleone’s mustache is an Italian legend. If David wishes to be as respected and as feared as the Don himself, Godfather is absolutely a film he should drop into his Netflix queue.

2. Pai Mei (played by Gordon Liu in Kill Bill
The long, white, flowing whiskers of Pai Mei’s lip wig are quite possibly the most memorable of all movie mustaches. They added balance, beauty, and grace to a man that could easily kill someone with a single five-fingered blow to the chest. As the master and trainer of Uma Thurman’s character, The Bride, Pai Mei was revered by all who yearned to know the secrets of his ancient craft…and he taught with an iron fist. When one of his students, Elle, crossed him during training, he quickly snatched one of her eyes out with two of his fingers. And after each of his lessons, he would always give a quick stroke to the white, silky mane that flowed from his nostrils. Pai Mei was not a man to be crossed – and nor would David be if he grew a stache as memorable as this one.

1. Alejandro “Butch” Heddo (played by Tom Milanovich in Rookie of the Year)
You’re probably scratching your head and racking your brain, trying to remember who exactly Butch Heddo is and why he is on this list. And the picture to the right probably won’t give you much help, considering its not even from Rookie of the Year (it was literally the only picture of the guy we could find on the Internet). Butch was Henry’s nemesis and sported a classic baseball-stache. In Henry’s first appearance as a major league pitcher, Heddo went deep with a towering homer and crushed the rookie’s confidence. He was feared as one of the most dangerous hitters in the game, and not coincidentally played for the New York Mets. You see, its common knowledge that Mets sluggers are supposed to sport staches – and the movies taught us that valuable lesson in one of the greatest baseball movies ever created. Okay, well, maybe not one of the greatest. But Gary Busey was in it, who is both crazy and good friends with Giuseppe Franco (of SNY commercial fame). So it’s a classic. But I digress – back to Butch. Sadly, the actor that played Butch, Tom Milanovich, died several years ago. He lived a charmed life, with a storied acting career that gave us roles likes Man in Bar, Bailiff, Andy, and Thug #2.

Do you know of a Movie Mustache you think should have been on this list? Let us know in the comments section below.

4 Comments

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  By MetsfanJAM, April 23, 2009 @ 1:58 pm

  The best thing than can happen for this site is david wright continuing his struggles at the plate with runners in scoring position. The longer this goes on, the more likely he will get desperate, and one day just say, “F-it”..I’m growing the stache. Got nothing to lose.

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  By russ, April 23, 2009 @ 4:29 pm

  is pai mei’s technically a mustache? he does have chin wiskers as well.

  i too sport the disconnected-chin-lip-combo style, (only shorter) and have been wondering whether this is considered a mustache with a chin-beard or a modified goatee

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  By Hairy Backman:
  April 23rd, 2009 at 6:21 pm

  Sans-connectors, you’re a mustache man in my book.

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  By billymac, April 27, 2009 @ 12:22 am

  I know he’s a hated Yankee, but what about Clu Haywood, the American League leader in most offensive categories, including nose hair. I hear when he sneezes he looks like a pinata…

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