Fantasy Stache

If you’re reading this, then you already know that mustache fever is sweeping the world of baseball. Not only are baseball fans all over New York pining for David Wright to get up and grow; many are growing one themselves.

And where there are baseball fans, there are fantasy baseball fans – many of whom are looking to tap the power of the stache to boost their Fantasy ‘09 rosters.

So to save all you crazy fantasy nerds (take no offense, friends: I am one of you) from having to sift through the Yahoo or ESPN player thumbnails for hours on end, weighing stats against stache – we did it for you. Here is a short list of some players you should highly consider if you want to get some facial hair in your lineup:

Hanley Ramirez
Top baseball talking-heads like Buster Olney, Tim Kurkjian, among others have been touting Hanley’s skills for the past few seasons. With both power and speed, Ramirez is a dangerous fantasy weapon. But with a mustache, he’s a facial-hair force and a member of the fantasy elite in 2009. He rocks a thin lip hugger, but make no mistake: its a stache. If you have one of the first picks in your Fantasy league, give Hanley a look (that is, of course if someone has already taken David).

Carlos Zambrano
Guess who showed up to spring training with a full blown stache? You guessed it: The Z-Pack. Whether he’s harnessing the power of stache for its championship-producing characteristics or it’s ability to make him look exactly like Pablo Escobar is yet to be determined. But one thing’s for certain: Big Z’s going to look like one mean mother when he snaps bats over his knee like twigs this season. Our prediciton on his stats? 21 wins and a career-low ERA. Expect Cy Young award-winning numbers.

Jason LaRue
If key offensive statistics like batting average, home runs, RBIs, and stolen bases are important to you and are required for the overall success of your fantasy team, Jason LaRue isn’t for you. However, if having a backup catcher or intimidating other teams with a sweet Fu Manchu are, Jason’s your guy. Do you think he grew a Fu Manchu because it rhymes with LaRue? We like to think so.

Manny Ramirez
Make no mistake: Manny does have a mustache. The separation of stache and goatee is what makes it so. So if you’re going for the stache-only team, Manny is on it. We obviously don’t need to tell you his numbers for you to know that he is one of the greatest hitters of his generation. But what we do need to tell you is that if you do decide to draft him, proceed with caution. Manny has been known to alienate teammates and bad mouth his way out of contracts. He could send your offensive statistics through the roof; but your team morale could plummet.

Cito Gaston
We’ve never heard of a Fantasy league that allows the drafting of team managers – probably because they don’t exist. But if one does, somewhere, and you’re in it, we’d highly recommend drafting Cito Gaston. This being the year of the stache and all, we’re certain that Cito and his monstrous lip wig are going to the lead the Jays to a winning record, and possibly even a 1st place finish in the division.

2 Comments

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  By Ryan, March 31, 2009 @ 11:58 am

  Sal Fasano. Enough said.

  [Reply]

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  By Hairy Backman, March 31, 2009 @ 12:42 pm

  Sal was actually the first guy I thought of – but from what I’ve heard, he hasn’t officially made the team yet.

  [Reply]

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