The Willie Randolph Paradox

"Though shalt be banished to an eternity of suckitude."

Jason J., a Yankee-fan reader of The Wright Stache, recently posed an interesting and important question to yours truly:

One suggestion on an issue that needs to be addressed: Willie Randolph had a moustache and that didnt work out so well, the blog needs to explain why that occurred.

It would seem that we do have some explaining to do. Why would we believe that the mustache mojo would work so well for D-Wright if it failed so miserably for Randolph?

Problem at hand, we here at The Wright Stache HQ put on our thinking caps gathered ’round a bottle of Jameson and indulged in a hearty session of armchair philosophy to solve The Willie Randolph Paradox. Our explanations, after the jump.

3. Stiff upper lip: No smiles. Willie’s even disposition wasn’t a good match for the stache. To rock the stache, you gotta ROCK it.

2. Yankee blood: Randolph’s a Yankee at heart, and his ’stache powers were tainted by this allegiance. Don’t be surprised if you see him in pinstripes soon.

1. Bad facial hair mojo: On his first day of work for the Mets, Randolph laid down a clubhouse edict prohibiting facial hair despite having a stache himself, a hypocritical rule which he later eased back on. One who bans facial hair is no friend of mine.

-JCP

2 Comments

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  By Stache Mache, March 30, 2009 @ 9:57 pm

  I was just wondering about your whole Yankee blood theory. Although never winning a World Series, Don Mattingly had an amazing stache, and was one of the best 1b of his time. Even so, I would say the biggest reason for Randolph’s lack of success, despite having a stache, was his that he did not have the great responsibility needed to rock, and cultivate the powers of a great stache.

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  By JG, March 30, 2009 @ 10:56 pm

  It’s simple – Willie’s moustache was never coated with beer and/or whiskey. You can grow a plant without fertilizer, but it will never be an award winner. Simple as that.

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