Abandon Your Team For The Stache
by Hairy Backman | March 26th, 2009
Mets fans are going to be so upset when they read my jersey!
But last night was different. Tom Keely and Rod Sliver (who’s names have been changed to protect their identities) instead called to tell me that they would be jumping ship if and when David grew the stache. Yep – two die hard Philles fans agreed to root for the Mets if and when our follicle folley becomes a reality.
And we think that’s fantastic. In fact, we don’t doubt that there are many other fans out there, ready and willing to make a power-move to Flushing when the stache-year rings in. Here are the top 5 teams you should consider abandoning to become a Mets fan when David grows the mustache:
5. Philadelphia Phillies
Lets face it, guys: most of you suck. Everyone in America knows how annoying Philadelphia fans are – including people from Philadelphia. Where else in this country can you take your kid to a ball game in an opposing city and get your ass kicked for wearing a Mets hat? No where except Philadelphia. That’s actually a true story… and some poor kid out there is going to wind up being an introverted goth freak by the time he’s 14 because your team’s fans beat up his Dad. Stop being one of those guys – do it for the kids.
4. Detroit Tigers
Detroit be hurtin’. The implosion of the auto-industry and the economy in general have plunged the Motor City into a fiery pit of hell. And to make matters worse, your baseball team isn’t doing anything to boost spirits. Last year, the Tigers were expected to win the division…but they wound up in last place in the AL Central instead. And two seasons ago, your 103 mph-throwing reliever, Joel Zumaya, missed the ALCS because he hurt his hand playing a video game. Lame. If you’re looking for a little baseball bailout and want to root for a contender, come join the Mets. In fact, we’ll even take your mustachioed manager Jim Leyland as a bench coach…so bring him too.
3. Washington Nationals
Do you have a strong feeling of emptiness deep-down inside of you? Do you often feel as though something important is missing in your life? If you’re a Nats fan, you probably silently answered “Yes” to both questions. You are also likely raising a child that has no athletic role models. You see, the Nationals are pathetic, and everyone in baseball knows it. Hell, even their ex-GM, Omar Minaya knew it… And when the Expos announced that they were moving to the capital to become America’s team, Omar left to represent a better team. America’s real team. The New York Mets. Grow a stache and join up today.
2. Boston Red Sox
Did you know that to become a real Boston fan, you have to pay a registration fee? It’s true. In order to become part of the “Red Sox Nation”, which proves official Red Sox citizenship, wanna-be fans must pay a minimum of $14.95 for the “Fan Pack”. Want to show that you love David Ortiz more than the next Southie? Then maybe you’d prefer the “Ultimate Fan Pack” which sells for a disturbingly more expensive $114.95. But if you want to prove that you’re a real Sox fan and you’re willing to shell out a whopping $299… you can pick up the “Monster Pack”, which represents the pinnacle of true Sox-loving geekery. Pathetic. It’s free to be a Mets fan, and we won’t judge you if you don’t have a mustache yet.
1. New York Yankees
As you were reading this post, you knew your team was going to be number 1 on this list. It had to be. And you’re pissed. But should you really be? New York is fed up with the Yankees, and you know it. Here are the facts: you ruin the game by over-paying players to the extreme (Yes, I know the Mets payroll is high…but the Yank’s is about 30% higher). Your players typically come with about as much drama as an episode of Gossip Girl. You destroy the culture of baseball games by making tickets to your new stadium disgustingly unaffordable. And instead of growing mustaches to encourage team unity, reflect on past seasons’ glory, and increase overall fan positivity (like what this blog is attempting to accomplish)… your players grow cheap mustaches as “good luck charms”. I rest my case.
Be a Mets fan. We’re good, we’re fun, we’re handsome, we’re drama-free, and we have a brand new bullpen. We’re green, too – because we all use mass transit. And of course, we have a fresh, ever-growing and loyal legion of fans attempting to get our star player to grow a mustache. And really, what could be cooler than that? So as that really annoying Sprint commercial guy says: Come join us.
You’ll be glad you did.
Tags: Jim Leyland, Joel Zumaya, Mets, Nationals, Phillies, Red Sox, Tigers, Yankees
Trash Talk, Updates | Hairy Backman | 
March 26, 2009
By Darin, March 26, 2009 @ 12:20 pm
If you want a die hard Yankee fan to jump ship you have to pay respect to the growth on Rich “Goose” Gossage
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By Hairy Backman:
March 26th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
We’ve got nothing but respect for the Goose. We’ll definitely be mentioning him in an upcoming post.
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By X, March 26, 2009 @ 2:26 pm
I’m actually appalled that not one, but TWO Phillies fans would even consider jumping ship, especially after our miracle year. We demand the best from our athletes and stick by our teams in tough times as a return. There’s a big difference between “annoying” fans and “loyal” fans. Those two guys should go wear a Mets hat so I can punch them in the face.
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By Keyser:
March 27th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
“Loyal” fans? “Stick by your teams”? Are you nuts?
These are the same fans who booed Mike Schmidt. They boo every player on their team, and God forbid that player show a little bit of talent, because then they are booed every time they don’t hit a home run. Heck, these guys even booed Santa Claus and pelted him with snowballs, and I thought he was on everyone’s team.
As for “loyalty”, funny how loyal Phillies fans have packed their ballpark the last 20 years wearing Mets paraphenelia for every Mets-Phillies game. Heck, I was at a doubleheader in 1997 at Veterans Stadium when the PA announcer and the scoreboard displays were advertising METS yearbooks on sale at the concession stands!
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By Brad, March 27, 2009 @ 5:59 pm
As a loyal Philadelphia “World F’in’ Champion” Phillies fan, I encourage everyone to adhere to the No Booing in 2009 pledge. And to grow a ’stache. It’s what we can all get behind!
And unless I’m mistaken, that particular Santa Claus was a Cowboys spy. But perhaps that was just a rumor.
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By Dave, March 28, 2009 @ 8:21 pm
New York Mets = Choke Artists.
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