Wright Wreasons: Southern Staches
by Teufel Stubble | March 25th, 2009
I do declare, I love tasting the herbs and spices in my whiskers.
In this installment of Wright Wreasons, we look to David’s roots for proof that he needs to grow a mustache. David is from Norfolk, Virginia and is, thus, from south of the Mason-Dixon Line. As such, David is a Southerner. And throughout history, true Southern gentlemen who achieved great levels of success were mustachioed.
This is in your genes, David. It’s your birthright to grow a mustache and take a hold of your destiny. Embrace your heritage and success will course through your veins like Sherman stormed through Atlanta. OK, maybe that was a bad analogy for Southerners.
I can see the skepticism on your faces. Well, I came prepared. I’ve done the research. I have the facts. Let’s take a look at some great Southern mustaches and the achievements in their respective fields.
1. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - We understand what it’s like to have a dream.
2. Dale Earnhardt – The Initimidator possessed one of the finest nicknames ever and had the stache to back it up. Arguably the greatest NASCAR driver ever (making him the most successful Southern man ever), Dale’s stache led him to seven NASCAR Winston Cup championships, the 1979 Rookie of the Year award, five NMPA Driver of the Year awards, four IROC championships (note: IROCs are always awesome) and a Daytona 500 victory.
3. Col. Sanders (see photo above) – The man’s name was Harland. That’s bold. He founded Kentucky Fried Chicken. Prior to his chicken success, he worked as a steamboat driver (whoa), railroad fireman (bad-ass) and enlisted in the Army when he was only 16 by lying about his age (he spit nails). He created the Colonel’s secret recipe consisting of 11 herbs and spices and it remains a trade secret even today. He’s a legend. And his lip was adorned regally. We salute you, Colonel.
4. Yosemite Sam – Don’t believe that he was a true Southerner? In the cartoon “Southern Fried Rabbit,” we see Yosemite Sam during his time as a Confederate soldier. And don’t believe that he was successful? Do unsuccessful people get their likenesses printed on mud flaps?
5. Jeff Foxworthy – It pains me to include Mr. Foxworthy on his list but you can’t argue with his success. His album sales have made him the best-selling comedian of all time. His comedy albums have gone multi-platinum. He’s a millionaire several times over. Whether or not he’s smarter than a fifth grader, you can’t argue with this redneck’s success. You can only shake your head in disbelief at just how powerful a good mustache truly is.
Makes sense now, doesn’t it? You’re a Southerner, David. And you want to be successful, don’t you? Join the pantheon on Southern staches. It is your destiny.
Ya’ll come back now, y’hear!
Tags: Col. Sanders, Dale Earnhardt, Jeff Foxworthy, Martin Luther King, skewed logic, Wright Wreasons, Yosemite Sam
Wright Wreasons | Teufel Stubble | 
March 25, 2009
By Doug, March 25, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
One of the finest pieces of investigative journalism I have ever read. If these aren’t reasons enough for Mr. Wright to grow join the legions of great southern mustachioed men I don’t know what is!
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